*SIGH*

Today was a long day. I planned it that way on purpose, but now that I am at the end of it, I need to "talk" to somebody. Well, since Nathan is at an OSU/USC football game (he checked with me before going, he needs a break now and then too) and it is too late to call and bother friends or family, I will let the dishes lie where they are and "talk" to my blog. Sometimes just doing this is therapeutic.

Today is my brother, Chris', 25th birthday. Well, at least it would be. He died a year and a half ago. I hate that word, "died". It sounds so awful. But that is exactly what it is, isn' t it? Awful. Death, losing someone you love to that awful terrible word. Sometimes, like in my brother's case, there isn't even anyone to blame or be mad at. (He died of Leukemia) So you're just plain "mad". Then you feel bad for being mad and become sad. Then the sadness is too much to bare so you feel numb. Then the numbness becomes too much and you get mad again, just so you can feel something. I have gone through all these feelings today in some form or another, several times.

I saw this day coming. I knew it would be hard. But I had a plan. Don't you love "plans", like things will all work out "according to your plan". HA! Anyway, my plan was to pack the day with so much to do that I wouldn't have time to feel mad, sad, or numb. Force myself to be around people so I had to put on the smiley mask and maybe the "fake smile" would actually grow into a real one and I would feel better.

Hmmm....yeah, didn't work. I can't say I didn't try though. But in the end, all I really did was survive. Which adds another awful feeling...guilt. Why him? Why Chris? No, he was not perfect. He was my only brother, growing up he had to put up with four sisters. He wasn't perfect, but he was darned good! He was a return missionary, he struggled with learning disabilities his whole life. He was a Private First Class in the US Army. He was loved by so many! Oh! I hate it when I do that...correction...he IS loved by so many!!! I was an only child for 6 years before Chris was born. I saw my parents struggle through many miscarriages before we were finally blessed with that beautiful baby boy. And oh! Was he ever beautiful! Big blue eyes and a round toe-head (that is when their hair is so blond it is white, for those of you unfamiliar with the term). He was a very happy baby too. And fat, boy was he a fat baby! Now I know it was genetic because I have fat babies too! Healthy, chubby cheeked, rolly polly babies.

I love remembering him. Sometimes when I am thinking about him I actually forget he is gone, then I think of calling him or something and I hit this brick wall with a jarring force. Does anyone else do that? Forget a loved one is gone? The last couple of years he was alive he was serving a mission or in college. So on his mission we only communicated through letters, and in college we would talk on the phone, usually weekly. I feel jipped out of spending actual time with him his last few years. But that is how life is sometimes, isn't it? Unfair.

So I hug my husband tighter, hold my children closer, and pray to God that I will never lose one of them. Oh! I couldn't bare it! Our kids have each had little health things here and there. But nothing, yet (knock on wood), that wasn't fixable, treatable. We truly have been so very very blessed and I recognize that.

Tonight I took the kids to Cold Stone for "free" ice cream. They were having a fund raiser for the "Make A Wish" foundation. I donated money into their jar (therefor making our ice cream not free, but that's the point - to help out.) Anyway, the kids asked what it was for and I explained to them about the children who get their wishes granted and why. I started to cry. I kind of made a scene but my kids really didn't seem to care. I am not sure if I was crying because of my brother. Or the thought that children out there, sweet innocent children, know they are going to die and are in pain. Maybe I was crying for their families. Maybe I was crying because I couldn't imagine my children needing the help of this foundation. It could have been everything all together.

So, I had a full, busy, emotional day. I think I will sleep well tonight. I hope I will. I have actually been pretty depressed lately, trying so hard to fight it. Some days I am more successful than others. This time of year, especially this month, has always been very hard for me for several reasons. It is almost over, I can see the end now. I do really really miss my brother, just had to say that. *sigh*