The week leading up to March 6th was a very hard one for me. March 6th was the three year mark of losing my brother to leukemia. I hated March 6th, it was the day my brother was prematurely taken from us. It was the day that he passed away while I was in the air, flying to OK to say goodbye, it was the day I didn't get to say goodbye. Three years...three years!!! They say that "time heals"...not really. It still hurts just as much, I still cry just as hard. I just have to continue living...for my family, for me. I want to keep living, this is a beautiful life. A life I wish my brother could have enjoyed more of.
During the week leading up to March 6th things kept on happening that brought back hard memories of that time. For example, I was rotating the boys' clothes. Going through their closets and pulling out the things that are now too small and getting the next size down from the attic. I had gotten the size 4-5 box out for Ben. There it was. The shirt that Nick wore to Fort Sill for the tour that they gave us the day before Chris's memorial service. It was very nice of them to give us this tour, we were able to see where he lived out his last healthy days, see where he was so happy. Why was this shirt in this box?! It is a size 6. I got teary eyed, just a few streamed down my cheeks, and I quickly hid it in the bottom of the pile. Only to have it later found by Ben, "Look mom! A superman shirt! I like it!....see mom, it fits!" I try and fail to have him put it back in the pile. He is so excited about this new shirt he found that I let him have it, even though it really is too big. All day, as I see him in this shirt, I am brought back to 3 years ago and reminded how unfair it all is. I cry, a lot. Things like this kept happening all week...it was just hard.
I woke up on Saturday, March 6th, with a resolution to not have a terrible day. To remember him, but to make him proud of me, proud of my strength. I can do this! Right? We started off going to the church to clean, it was our family's turn to help clean. This was a nice feeling to lovingly care for the Lord's building, the same Lord that is with my brother now.
Then I took the kids to their OSU class and went for a run. I wore my ARMY sweatshirt that my brother's captain gave me in Fort Sill. I felt him running with me. I was running with angels. That was also a good feeling.
Then after coming home, showering, and having lunch with my family. I picked up a few friends and we all went to the temple in Portland. It was going to be my dear friend, Rose's, first time through the temple. It was going to be a beautiful day! I, honestly, was a little nervous. This was to be a very special day for Rose, I didn't want to ruin it by breaking down in tears...or even sobs...in the middle of the temple session. I wanted to be happy, happy for Rose, happy for my brother, happy for our Heavenly Father's glorious plan.
It ended up being a most wonderful day! I am so glad I was able to go with my friends to the temple, so happy I was able to share this wonderful day with Rose. Only wishing my husband could have been there too. Not wishing my brother could be there...because he was! I felt him as real as I could feel my friends sitting next to me. I felt of his love...almost could feel him putting his arm around me, reminding me of his love, telling me it was all okay.
Then I had a most amazing experience. As several of my friends and I were standing in the Celestial room, waiting for Rose to come through the door, I felt an excitement that I can only describe as giddiness! I felt, at that moment, that the veil between this world and the next was so thin. I felt the excitement of our loved ones on the other side, their happiness, their warmth. I new in that moment that they are keenly aware of us and are cheering us on from the other side, helping us when we need them most. Just as I was excited for Rose and the wonderful decision she was making and getting so excited as I knew she was getting closer and I would be able to pull her into my embrace and give her a hug, I know my brother and others are excited every time they see me make a good choice, and they see me getting closer to our Father in Heaven. They too are anxiously waiting to embrace me and say, "you did good!"
That is what it is all about, to do good, to live our lives here so that someday, when our time comes, we can dwell with our Lord and Savior, our Heavenly Father, and our loved ones in that glorious warmth and love that I felt so tangibly in the temple. I KNOW my Savior lives. I KNOW He loves us and wants us to return to Him. And I KNOW that he has provided us with the tools and has shown us the path. It is up to us and the choices we make to take his hand, accept His atonement, and walk down that right path. Of this I testify, in the the name of Jesus Christ, amen!
Now I didn't start off this post with the intent of bearing a testimony but I am so full right now, I just had to! I am so grateful also to Rose, for her decision to go to the temple, for her picking March 6th of all days! For turning March 6th into a day to celebrate with Rose and to remember this wonderful experience, not just the hard one three years ago. Maybe I was wrong...maybe time does heal...if you are moving forward.
